look no pants
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
