I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so let's talk penis.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
