Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
