Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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