Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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