I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
