Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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