I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
