oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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