My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
