i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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