k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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