he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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