I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
