I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
