my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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