Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
