stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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