I didn't shave. On purpose
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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