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• (702): View more from Nevada

  **** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

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• (530): View more from California

  My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

  (916): View more from California

  That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday

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• (785): View more from Kansas

  Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.

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• (914): View more from New York

  Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.

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