apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
