At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
