we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
