I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
