Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
