So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
