At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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