thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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