Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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