I will die if light touches me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I AM VODKA MAN
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
