how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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