Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
