i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
