I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
