I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
