You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
