nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
