he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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