Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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