He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
