Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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