wakey wakey hands off snakey
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
