please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
