Swine flu. Run for my life!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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