my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
