i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
