dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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