i need an iv and a liver transplant
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
