Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
