Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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