So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Boobs speak an international language.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
