even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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