i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
