mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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