the day after is always just damage control
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
